Well, it's Monday and, oddly, I'm feeling a little blah today. Normally Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. But today I woke up with a mild case of anxiety and I can't seem to shake it quite yet. It's interesting this whole life thing, isn't it? I have to say since I turned 34 a little less than a month ago there has definitely been a change in my attitude. 33 brought me so much tension and moodiness and so many feelings of insecurity and being unsure. I literally could not wait for that year to be over. And then 34 came and it feels like I just kind of sank down into it and that's where I am and it's all going to be ok, even though nothing has changed, really. I have lived with the weight of comparison in my life for so long and it finally feels like I can accept that this is my life and things will happen for me when it's my time. But that doesn't mean that some days I don't still wake up and feel the anxiety beast just sitting there on my chest, making it awfully difficult to breathe and getting in the way of any sort of positive thinking. And those are the days that I panic a little and cross my fingers that there is a plan for me and that, even though I am less than a little aware, I am on my path and it's all for a reason. Right? It's all for a reason? Plus I have this hangnail on my finger and it is driving me crazy.
These are the days where it's helpful to go online shopping (duh). I mean, if your house looks good, you look good. And if you look good, you feel good. This is all very logical. Just for fun here's my pinterest board of things I am hoping to buy for the hizouzz today. Oh wait. I don't have any money. Nevermind. Do you guys put things in various shopping bags online and then total everything up to see how much money it would take to have your heart's desires? I do (I do!). My total for today is approximately 3000 bones. Takers?
Ok. Well, onto other things I guess.
If I can't go shopping then I'll attempt at zen and try to take myself back to how I felt the day we came back from the wedding in the San Juan's. We had spent the weekend almost entirely outdoors. Hiking, biking, boating, ferrying. Bedroom windows flung wide open. Birds chirping. Sticks cracking. Silence. Not another human in sight. It made everything in life seem so simple. It really did feel like it was all going to be ok. It's a little harder to summon that feeling in the middle of the big city when you can't see the sky from your window and you tend to forget how big and wide this world really is.
It is all going to be ok.