I did it. I put my computer on the floor, next to my sofa, on Friday December 21. And I did not touch it until yesterday. No blogs, no online shopping, no anything. I contemplated picking it back up the day we got home from Washington but I honestly wasn't even tempted. I kept hearing this little voice in the background saying "Leave it there, leave it alone until you're ready Heidi." And so I did. My morning routine became about coffee in bed with a book. I managed to finish one and get fast into another. It was lovely in ways I hadn't remembered lovely could be. I relaxed. I let myself not think about any of the usual things that stress me out. I just wasn't ready. I actually got a little scared that I might never be ready. But then New Years Eve rolled along and I found myself still fighting that cold that settled into my system the very first day of vacation, sitting in bed, perusing Pinterest on my phone. And then, out of nowhere, I was ready. In one fell swoop. All of my goals and aspirations for this coming year, my drive, my ambition came right back into my body like a spirit that had taken just a much needed vacation. I had let it rest.
I had so much fear about the end of the holidays this year. I was able to avoid the post-wedding depression because there was Thanksgiving and family in town, and then December and Christmas trees and travel and parties. But I had this dull feeling that I was going to be hit head on January 3 when J went back to work and the house was empty and all of the pressure and stress surrounding what I must make happen this year, for myself and for my sanity and for my soul, that I had put off since November 21, would crash into me full force and I would be frozen. I still feel that way a little bit. I haven't worked in 11 days and every morning I just woke up when I felt ready and rested. Not this morning. Not on the first day of re-entry. Up at 6:30 like clockwork. One million things weighing heavy on my sleepy body. The day is here. The wedding is over, the holidays are finished for another year and I do, yes, feel a little frightened and worried at what is to come, but I also feel strangely full. Of life, ideas, motivation, hope.
I don't do New Years resolutions. They always seem so trite. And I'm not doing them this year either. I do, however, have a mental list of goals that I would like to see happen by this time next year. They are big, some of them are huge. You would laugh if I told you because they are all such life-changing things there is no way they could possibly all happen to one person in the span of a year. And they might not. But then there's that one tiny little chance that they will. And that's what I'm going with today, on this first day back into the world. They will.