5/21/13

Bills, and Jury Duty.

+Well. I walked in the door last night to an 1100$ medical bill and a jury summons. My oh my. What an ending to a Monday. Pretty much giving the world the middle finger right now.+ 

I've been feeling so frustrated lately by money, and how much it limits our lives. How we make decisions solely based on money far too often. How we all have so many dreams and how we never get to see them realized. What if money were no object? What would you do? 

 You see, I just quit my money maker. The part-time job that brings my household a good deal of money for not a lot of work. The soul sucker that I stayed at for way too long and which brought me way too much misery. I just up and quit it. And decided that I would find another way to make a living, that I would give this design thing all I've got. I decided that no amount of money is worth being 34 years old and feeling trapped. 

I finally feel comfortable enough {kind-of, not really} to tell you that I have spent the last 14 years of my life working at least part-time in a restaurant. It's not all bad, although I can feel the judgment already (or maybe that's just my own...). I made a lot of money. I worked at some of the best restaurants in the country. That job let me travel all over the world, to every continent except for one. I took vacations whenever I wanted. It helped me get through grad school. It introduced me to some of my dearest friends in all of the land. And, for the record, it brought me my husband too. 

For all of you out there who are of the mind to think that people who work in restaurants are stupid, uneducated, unmotivated-ha! Most people who work in restaurants are smarter than you, more educated than you and more creative than you. They also probably make more money than you, incidentally. And, although, it was a bad career choice for me, I do not fault anyone for staying in it. Nor should you. I have never experienced such freedom to walk into a place, make money, turn around go home and live your real life. 

I have also never experienced such a feeling of disappointment in myself. I knew, deep down, that I was doing something that unfulfilled me in very substantial ways. For 14 years. That, my friends, is a long time to feel disappointed in yourself. A long time. And also a long time to be in near-constant panic mode at the thought of being stuck forever. I have no idea why I just kept at it, year after year, always telling myself that I'd take more classes and be willing to take a pay cut and Justin would make more money and I could leave. But those things kept slipping through my fingers, and I kept going. Despite the fact that I had no stake in it. That I had no interest in it. And that I was letting my passion die while I took orders at a table. Working two, three jobs on top of the night job. Trying to balance it all for years. Working so many long weeks at design firms and taking classes on top of it and blogging frantically just to try and get a leg up so I could leave it, and so I could breathe. I literally never.stopped.working.

Until I jumped. 

It really does feel like that moment when you are standing over the cliff, looking down at the water, thinking "Should I do this? I'm so scared." And then your resolve hardens, you take a deep breath and jump and just fucking hope that everything is going to be okay. That is pretty much exactly what it feels like. I just woke up one day and said "enough." And it was over.

So, despite the fact that my heart beats a little faster at the prospect of bills and lack of all of that extra money (those J Brands are a full bonus check away...) and jury duty and vacation time, I am positive I made the best decision for myself. So, please do excuse me for not blogging as much, or as well, these days. I'm adjusting to the very new feeling of walking in the door after a full days work and feeling satisfied that I've worked enough that day, that I can go to the gym, that I don't have to open my computer, that I can make dinner, and have a glass of wine. That I'm finally doing something that I love, that I don't feel like is a waste of my talent, that let's me breathe. 
FINALLY. 


True that. 



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2 comments:

  1. congrats on quitting! all good things to come for you, i'm sure of it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay Heidi!! Congratulations! I'm a few weeks away from being done with, hopefully, my last restaurant job too! What a fantastic feeling, I'm so happy for you. XO

    ReplyDelete

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