I got in an epic battle with one of my very dear friends last week. Epic.
Despite the fact that we have a strict no text fighting policy, we indulged. A lot. And let me tell you, that is never a good idea. Shit does not translate well via text message. After we pulled our heads out of our asses we decided to meet up for a drink to hash it all out. I didn't know what to expect but we found our path, straightened some stuff out and broke bread together once again. And by 'broke bread' I mean drank a bottle of wine. Each. It lead to some good, honest conversation about flaws, strengths and the like. She said many things that resonated with me because she knows me very very well. But the one thing that struck the deepest chord was that I, as a person, am always, always in the next moment. Couldn't meet the right man fast enough. Couldn't get married quick enough. Cannot get pregnant when I want. I am so panicked about the next thing that I can't enjoy what I have at that time. Even if it's all pretty great, and everything I ever wanted. On to the next please!
It hit me hard. Because it's really true. I can't wait for Monday to be over to get to Tuesday and then to the weekend and on to next month and then when do we get to buy a house, when are we moving, what client will I sign next, when I finally get pregnant how long will we wait before trying for the second? I kid you not. This is the mind of psycho. And it belongs to me, my friends. If you could just hop up in here for a minute, or a day, you'd understand. Before I even hit lunchtime I have played out my entire evening in sequential order. Drive, traffic, park, change, gym, store, sweep, do dishes, walk dog, shower, cook, blog, take a breath. I cannot sit down on my sofa and relax until my list is done. And by then I'm already thinking about what I need to do next.
It is no way to live. And when she said that to me it made me wince. I think about the future almost obsessively. What job will I have next? What if this job ends and then what? What if I never get pregnant? What will we do? If we move and then hate it what will happen? It really never stops in there. And it is exhausting. Part of the reason I love Justin so dearly is that he is the complete and total polar opposite of this. He gets that I'm built differently and he is surprisingly understanding but he couldn't be any more fundamentally different in that way. He truly takes every day as it comes, doesn't stress, and embraces change and sameness with the same amount of gusto. I'm trying.
I think there is goodness in reaching for the things you want, all of them. And despite the fact that it is one of my greatest weaknesses I also think it is one of my strengths, because I never settle. I won't stay in it until it's perfect. But life isn't perfect, is it? Moments, yes. Some moments are perfect and those are the moments that make it all worth it. But life. Not so much. And I really do think that finding contentment lies in embracing the moments in between, the small ones. Not eagerly waiting for the big ones with everything you have. The babies, the dream jobs, the converted farmhouse? They'll happen (that just made my breath catch in throat btw...so many dreams up in here). And I will fucking love them all so much. And I will love all of those not so exciting moments, too.
Life is not so bad. This moment? It's actually amazing. I'm sitting here in my little box of a living room, from which I constantly bemoan the fact that I cannot see the sky. The sun is setting and the breeze is softly blowing in my open window from a warm day in this beautiful city. The light is lovely and I am stretching out the time before I have to turn on my lamp. My muscles are pleasantly tired from an extra long workout. My beloved dog is asleep at my feet and my husband will walk through our front door very soon (to, yes, our very tiny apartment in this very cramped 7x7 mile stretch of land) and he will be bearing a smile and a kiss. And I will not think of tomorrow, or what's next. It'll be enough.