6/10/13

In It To Win It.

Well fuck. It's been ages around here. Thank you thank you thank you for letting me take that much needed break. It was a whirlwind the past few weeks and I decided to just let myself sink into it, deal with it and then go home and cook some dinner. Now I'm looking at a clean slate and I can say *with GLEE* that I am caught up on life. BOOM. That feels good. Now have sympathy as I settle back into blogging, and writing, because I am out of practice and it might take me a minute.

Saturday we packed up the car (not really, I just wanted to say that, all we packed up was coffee and my wallet) and headed north for some hiking and sunshine. Inevitably this time of year in San Francisco slowly crushes my hopes and dreams of a real, actual summer and I start dying to put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and not freeze or get fogged in. I start seeing all the photos of friends in New York and New Orleans and I realize that I have forgotten what summer feels like. Breaks my heart. Gosh, it is so weird to think there was a time in my life when summer nights meant that putting on a dress seemed like too much clothing. Oh, New Orleans, how much I miss your summers in hindsight and how much I hated them when I lived them. This song remains one of my nearest and dearest but I honestly can't even remember what that feels like. 

I've been having a lot of these weighty thoughts about only having just this one life. Lots of feelings of "We should absolutely find a way to spend three weeks in Europe because we only have this one life and I don't want to spend it working" or "What if I never choose to live in the South again even though that's where I was so destined to live just because it's not really convenient right now, I only have this one life" or "I better find a way to make all this work and be perfect at it because I have only one shot." You know, those kind of thoughts. I can say truthfully that I have never thought like this before. It's a little scary. I spent my twenties doing exactly what I wanted whenever I wanted. I travelled all the time, all over the world. I sold everything I owned *twice I think.* I had no problem spending what I made. All of it. I wanted to go to Africa? Bought a ticket. Felt like buying tickets to a show every weekend? Done. Always wanted to move to California? Got in the car and drove across the country. I definitely did not think about things like IRA's, babies, or buying a house. I truly lived my life exactly TO A TEE how I wanted in that moment. I kinda miss that.

Thoughts these days tend more along of the lines of practicality. I spend way more time pondering the big decisions, thinking about the dream vacations and getting ready for whatever may be coming next. Perhaps it's a product of getting older. Which is actually kind of ridiculous when you stop to think about it. The nearer we get to death, the end of this one life we have, the more cautious we become. The more thrifty, the less spontaneous. It makes no sense. The end nears and we all sit around shying away from living, squiring away our pennies, even though it becomes more and more apparent that you can't take any of this shiz with you when you go. 

Here it is though. All of those things you think about-moving to NYC someday, living on a tropical island and being barefoot for days, sand in your bed, spending a fall in Vermont drinking coffee, antique shopping and watching the leaves turn, building a cabin in the Pacific Northwest, having six kids and seeing them all come home for holidays in some big old grand white Southern house with twinkling evergreen wrapped around  the banisters, your grandkids running afoot-all of those things that fleet through your mind when you are day dreaming? Yes, those things. Those are the things that should be dictating your decisions, and most of them will probably never happen to you. Devastating. It makes me want to get up off of this sofa, walk out the door with my dog and my husband and start living this life instead of worrying about paying bills and getting to work on time and my career path and making the bed and brushing my hair. It makes me want to leave all of this stuff behind.  Because when you really think about the life that you want to live, NONE of these things are included. They are just the daily weights. And they add up to not a lot. Dreams loves. Gotta start making them happen.

Which leads to me my point. I'm making a bucket list. Because I really do think it needs to be a conscious effort here. Or all of these things are going to slip right through my fingers in between the 9-5's and the TV watching. First thing on the bucket list: sitting on a porch with a sweaty cocktail on a Southern summer night.



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1 comment:

  1. I'd gladly trade our SC heat and humidity for the San Francisco breezes! Going to CA is on my bucket list! Glad you're back to blogging! Jen

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